I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
