Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
