Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
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In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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