Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
