I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
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it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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