I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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