I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
