Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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