Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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