She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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