First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
