Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
