Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
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