you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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