I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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