I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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