Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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