The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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