We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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