Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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