morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
