You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
