one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
