you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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