And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
