I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him