Nicole vs. Life
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
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I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
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Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.