Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
This baby is an asshole
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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