I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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