capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
