oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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