I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
