im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hippo gnu deer
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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