Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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