You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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