My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
