today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
the raccoons are back...
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