My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
are you so shy because you have an std?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
