so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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