I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
