he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.