so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.