y did u give ur computer a hand job?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.