I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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