I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
