someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize