I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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