saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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