I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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