I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You took a bar mat shot.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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