When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I am available for nakedness
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
