Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
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can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
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The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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