Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
