And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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