i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
