i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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