I wanna passion pit in your ass
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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