I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
