You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
