I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
