So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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